Jean-Claude's White Rose (firefly319) wrote,
Jean-Claude's White Rose

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Don't read me... no one prolly does anyhow...

Its been a while, and I apologize ahead of time, because I need somewhere to vent.

First of all, this surgery/injury. I haven't worked in a month, and have been hurt for almost two. Now, with 3 weeks til the cast comes off, I am in *so* much pain. The wrist hurts, of course, the hand is swollen, and my ring finger... ouch. The ring finger knuckle, I believe, has slid backwards towards the hand itself. When I straighten that finger, the pain radiates to my elbow. I went to that quack of a doctor since mine was out of town, and he told me it was "normal." Kiss my ass that is normal. I am living on percocet and vicadin (not at the same time) to keep me sane. I am so sick of it though, I am going to lose it. I am afraid that the doctor is going to try some bullshit saying that it is the best it is going to get, and that they can't fix it anymore... whatever. I was sue their asses. I want to fucking be fixed. I am already getting a permanent injury out of this, I don't want to be in more pain than is needed.

Second of all, I have decided to go through PCDI and get an on-line degree in Travel. It's the first time I have been interested in doing something in a long time. A stipulation that my father wanted for when I eventually pay my debts and leave home is that I have a diploma. That is what I would get, training and a career diploma. What happens when I tell him about it? He says "that's nice," sorta rolls his eyes, and walks away. Bullshit. I am done with him. I want out of here, and am done.

Thirdly, I am sitting here, day after day, re-evaluating me. I hate my weight, what I look like, etc. Tired of it. For now, there is nothing I can do about it... I can't work out b/c of being constantly tired, being in pain, and that I am not supposed to drive. I just hate it... it is keeping me from ever being happy. Isn't the age old addage that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself?

Thankfully, I have Chris to get me out of here, and spend time with... but that isn't enough lately. I am getting more and more depressed. All I want to do is cry, and I can't show him, or my parents, that side of me. Around them, I am always me... sorta normal... not too upbeat, and not too sad. Just, me. I just wanna curl into a ball, hide, cry, sleep all the time. It is all this extra time I have on my hands... I just sit here and think, and re-evaluate. When Chris and I are together, when we are having a spat or something minor, things are ok... I laugh, have a good time... feel ok. Then I get to go home, or he leaves... and there all my problems are. Staring me in the face. I am miserable. I can't explain this to anyone... Chris doesn't understand being that unhappy... I want him to stay by my side, keep me happy... but that is not feasable. I am always putting on a front... to everyone.

Whatever... I am going to go be with the one thing that loves me, and doesn't "HAVE" to b/c he's not "family," Chester.


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