Jean-Claude's White Rose (firefly319) wrote,
Jean-Claude's White Rose

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So sad...

So, I went to the bowling center with Chris to watch him bowl. All was fine and good until the end of the night. I was light headed, felt sick, and my arm hurt. I mentioned it to him, but it was his last night on this league, and I didn't want to ruin his night. I sat in the bar while he had a drink with his friends, but I guess I looked unhappy and "stupid" sitting all alone, so he decided we should leave.

I got upset with him because he doesn't understand what I am going through. He doesn't get that I still hurt a LOT. He didn't understand why I could just stand at the bar and joke around until he was ready to leave.

We came back to my house to find out that my mother forgot to fill my medication. Thankfully, I have a few extra, but I lost it. I started yelling and screaming and stormed into my room. He came down and watched my mother and I yell about how she doesn't care, etc. Finally, she left saying that she would get the meds tomorrow.

I apologized for him having to see that... apologized for everything. He hates it when I apologize. I am just miserable, and depressed, and I don't know how to handle it. He gave me a hug, and then we started talking. Bad idea.

We started talking, and I said that even if I could pay off my debts, and leave tomorrow, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, and no one to live with, so it wouldn't really matter. He said that I neede to focus on one thing at a time. I agreed, but said that I needed a plan. He said that I would find somewhere, and even if I had to live alone, it would be worth it. I said that I didn't want to live alone, I wanted a roommate, and I wanted a house, not an apartment. He was like, whatever... you hate your house so much, that it shouldn't matter. He and I joke about being roommates all the time, but I guess when it comes down to crunch time, that is all it is... a joke.

I have never felt so alone. My mother can't remember to pick up my meds, my father told her not to give me anything because I'll get addicted, my best friend is tired of hearing me complain, and obviously doesn't want to help me out much. I called him after he left to say that I was sorry... I don't handle pain well. I get emotional, and bitchy. I don't want to tell him about being depressed, because he doesn't understand that. I doesn't understand crying and getting emotional. He hasn't cried since he was 5. He said he would call me later... we'll see.

I am praying that the doctor tomorrow will understand, and help me get my hand fixed. I want her to call my surgeon, and hell him he needs to pull his head out of his ass, and fix me. I swear if he doesn't, I'll slap him with a malpractice suit that will ruin him. I just want to be well again. I don't want people to want to not be around me, I don't want to be nauseous, I don't want to be in pain. I hurt my fucking wrist on March 6th. 2 months later you'd think there would be some improvement.

I just want to cry.

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