Jean-Claude's White Rose (firefly319) wrote,
Jean-Claude's White Rose

  • Mood:

Fuck everything...

I just can't handle this anymore.

He called... and we started talking. I mentioned to him that we have talked about being roommates or whatever before, and he said he wasn't planning on moving any time soon. Also, he wasn't too sure about that. I told him that I shouldn't have said anything, and that I didn't want him to get the wrong impression. He said he didn't, and to drop it.

Then I said that I was going to do everything in my power to make the doctor do what it takes to make me better. I said that I didn't want to lose him over this. I didn't want him to think that I have too many things going wrong, and that he doesn't want to deal with it anymore and to say goodbye. He said sometimes he does get to that point, but that I need to get fixed so that I am not in pain. I started to cry... I said that it hurt that he has gotten to that point. He said not to worry about it and to just get better. How the fuck do I deal with that? I am such a pain that at times he wants nothing to do with me? There is nothing he could do that would take me to that point short of outright hurting my physically, or being cruel to me beyond forgiveness.

I hate life right now. If I thought I was depressed before, I am now 10 times worse. To know that the one person in my "physical" life (meaning here, people that I know in person) has almost gotten to the point that he can not put up with me anymore? How can I live with that? I am so depressed it hurts. I am not going to call him anymore. He can call me first. He said that he was probably going out with people after work tomorrow, and that he would call. I don't know if he will, but I am not going to bother him anymore. If he wants my friendship, he'll call. If not, I am going to lose everything I care about... I don't know if I will be able to handle things after that.

I feel so alone, and helpless... why bother anymore?

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