03:35 am - I hate this.
I can not sleep... I can not stop crying. I have no idea what the fuck has happened to make things in a matter of less than 24 hours go from wonderful, to hell. I can't handle this. In the last 2 months I was happier than I had been in a long time... and now this. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I have cried, I have pleaded, I have prayed. I feel so helpless and alone. The shit that happened, happened Thursday... I haven't heard from him since. I don't know why he is ignoring me... when we spoke Thursday, early morning, everything was completely normal, and great. Then, in a matter of hours, things just go to hell? I don't get it. What the hell happened? I just need to know... if something legitimate happened, then I definitely want to know... even if for some reason he has decided to hate me, I want to know. I need closure. I have e-mailed him, messaged him on YM, and written him at MySpace. Nothing... not a peep. I had my little brother (who he has never spoken to online, so he doesn't know who he is on MySpace) write him. It says he hasn't read it yet. His MySpace says he was on Friday morning (the day after the shit hit the fan, so to speak) and hasn't been on since. He doesn't have AOL, so I don't know for sure if he hasn't been on, has ignored the emails, or has deleted them without reading. What the hell? What did he gain from all of a sudden NOT talking to me? It makes NO SENSE. Sorry I am being vague, I just don't want to get into details quite yet... but no matter what, NONE of this makes sense. Why talk everyday 2-3 times a day, send me roses & chocolates & a teddy bear (which cost at least $150), and make plans for vacations if all of a sudden he was going to drop me? I keep a shred of hope that something happened... he got hurt, anything, that would explain his non-responsive behavior... but then it says he was on Friday, and he disappeared Thursday, so I don't know if it is possible that MySpace is wrong about his last log-in (which I doubt), or what... what could have happened? I am literally on my knees, praying that he writes me, and tells me what has happened. More importantly, in my land of denial, I want him to tell me why he hasn't been on the computer... it broke, and the computers at the hotel are down, and he got sick and is in the hospital and can't call internationally. ANYTHING. I want him in my life... he makes me happy. It is bad to hope that something happened to someone, but I do... that is the only way to explain all of this where I don't get my heart trampled on for no reason. I just want him here... with me. I am tired of being hurt... I am tired of being confused... more importantly, I am tired of not feeling like I am good enough. I was in my bathroom, and on the wall is "Footprints"... I was reading it, and all I could think was "I don't feel like I am being carried right now, through my strife, etc... I feel like I am falling into a never ending pit, and that someone kicked me in." I wrote and told him that even if he was just fucking with me the entire time, to at least TELL ME. All I want to know is the truth. If that is the case, I will be hurt beyond belief, but at least I can have closure. I care about him so much... and it seemed like he really cared for me too. Why would he send me such expensive gifts? Why would he schedule trips with me? WHY??? I don't know if I should have other people email him, maybe he will answer them... I don't want to harass him, but if I stop writing, and something really did happen, I don't want him to think I don't care. I'm so screwed. I hate life right now. I was HAPPY, REALLY FUCKING HAPPY, for the first time in... years. Why should I be surprised that everything was ripped out from under me? It always happens... anytime something good happens, or I get excited about something, it gets ruined. Why did I expect this time to be different?