Hello all. Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate it. Enjoy your turkey (or whatever you have at your feast)!
I know I keep saying that I am coming back and whatever, and then I never do. Life is pure shit right now and I have no idea how to handle things. I feel like things are so bad that my depression medication is basically just a formality. I havent really talked to anyone lately just because I havent been in the mood. The one person I want to talk to, I cant. I just want to fade away and sleep until this shit is all over. I miss you guys but I dont blame you for not responding or whatever. I just wanted you all to know this. Things are just not good, and I am sick and tired of pretending like they are. I'm around sometimes if you want to write. If not, I understand. Just wanted to make sure and wish you all a happy day today. I hope that you all find something special to be thankful for. I'm just done trying right now. Anyways, I slept like shit so I am going to bed. Talk to you all sometime.
I hate to come here after a million years and bitch about my life, but it seems appropriate at the moment. Why the FUCK does life have to be so difficult? My boyfriend is going through the worst patch of his life, and its making him question EVERYTHING in his life. I dont know what to say to him, because he is already stressed out beyond belief and I dont want to make anything worse. I write him daily to say hello and stuff, and sometimes he writes back, sometimes he doesn't. He literally has lost all meaning to everything in his life, which terrifies me because I can not fathom us not being together. All I can do is sit here, listen to him when he does talk, and cry. I am good at that. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Good times. Anyways, thats all I have. I dont know what to say anymore. I want to take sleeping pills and sleep the next month away. I want a magic remote control that rewinds time back to when things were good in his life. I want my heart to stop aching. I dont fucking know anymore. Every thought, plan, dream, etc. for the future has him in it. I have never felt this way about anyone. I just want him to feel better so that he can think straight again and we can continue on with our lives together. I am so lost right now. I have so many things I want to say to him, but I dont because he is already stressed enough, and thinking about enough, as it is. I honestly think I am losing my mind. I just cant handle all of this. Maybe I just dont want to handle it. I dont fucking know anymore. All I can do is sit here, and pray that things turn out the way they should. I just dont know anymore. I am trying to stay positive for the both of us, but fuck is it hard. When I write him I try to stay as positive as humanly possible, which is why I break down I guess. I wonder if I can switch to a new depression medication that will just make me numb. Anyhow, thanks for reading if you did.
So yeah, if anyone noticed I haven't been around... I am alive. Things are okay, just emotionally draining. Dealing with too much shit right now, and its easier not to burden you all with having to read about the crap I am going through. Anyways, as soon as I am finished dealing with this stuff and can take a mental break, I will be back. *shrug* I miss everyone a ton. Hope you are all doing okay.
So, yeah. I suck. I know that, but I thought I would update about the boy I mentioned...
His name is Dan. I am moving up to be with him while he is in school and then we are moving back down to Colorado after this semester. I get to go to Idaho. Um, woot. Anyways, things are as serious as they can be with 600 miles in between us right now. I am soooooooooo looking forward to having him cuddle me again though. That I miss a ton.
Hope you guys are doing great! Jamie, thanks for the bday card!!! Honestly, I will most likely try to catch up when I move up to Idaho. I am not planning on getting cable or anything. Just high speed internet for work, and a tv for games. So, while he is in class, or at work, I will most likely have time.
So yeah, for some reason I just suck at keeping up on life. Maybe cause its the bday, I'm trying to figure out why so that I can change things. I miss you guys. I am in Virginia for the week to visit family. Um, fun. Whatever, I have a tiny poodle that likes sleeping in my bed so whatever :oP I got here Saturday. Woke up Sat morning with a migraine. Flew to D.C. and then my father drove us to Richmond. Still had a migraine. Woke up Sunday... with a migraine. Took a ridiculous amount of ibuprofen and slept. Finally feel better. Will update with life when I get home I hope. The next few weeks promise to be strange and busy. There's a boy. I'll give you all the dirt soon. Hope everyone forgives my absence. I swear I am going to go back to Feb or something and make sure I have read ALL your posts!!! Although, first thing I do when I get home is read the end of Harry Potter. I have only a handful of chapters left, but of course that is where everything happens! *pout* Just couldnt finish before leaving Sat. Hope I havent missed anything terribly important. If I have, I'm so sorry. I sort of skim when I can but I feel like the worst friend ever. Also, I will post pics of the trip for you all to see. Jamie, I stayed in Canterbury one night on my trip. I was like, OMG, my wifey's sister lives here!
Enough with the ramble. Just wanted to say that I love, and miss, you all. Now, I get to go out to lunch with a friend of my father's from grade school. Definitely one of the top things on my "to do on my bday" list. : /
Travel to my MySpace where you will see my new tattoo. It is on my left forearm. Dunno if I will have internet on the cruise, so just wanted to post really quickly. Oh, dyed my hair purple again. Will take a pic at some point I think. Tattoo is sore but not too bad. Sorry my brain is a little tired and apparently out of order right now. Later :o)